that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
