I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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