My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize