sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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