It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
