Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
