So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
