Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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