woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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