my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
