Got a toothbrush?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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