if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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