Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
