I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize