I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
