my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
