People in love make me want to vomit
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
