I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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