My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Sext me about skeletons
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
