I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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