My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
