it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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