I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
