You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
