wakey wakey hands off snakey
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
