I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
