Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
