I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Still dying that you shit outside
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
