I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
