were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
