Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
