Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
