people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
