My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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