I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
