i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
