I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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