just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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