This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
