I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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