3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
operation have a gay friend backfired
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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