guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
4 words: hood of his car
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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