Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so let's talk penis.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
