there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He better not be in your backpack
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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