I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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