She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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