i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
