Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
