He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
