I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
