I faked an abortion last night.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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