She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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