how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
