alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
