if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I booty called her while she was in labor.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
