my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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