..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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