Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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