32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I look better un-naked...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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