someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I want a musical about memes.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
