Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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