ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
