What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
