Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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