I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
