I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
