someone owes me an orgasm
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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