my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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